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Sorry about the spotty translation of SCP's gibberish. I've got at least three Euclids that are potentially going Keter by the end of the week, and I've wasted enough time building a keyboard with a "Cack!

Thankfully, the guys in the linguistics department hooked me up with some software that they wanted me to test.

It's supposed to be able to analyze these sort of english-based pseudo-languages and provide clarification for some of the more incomprehensible bits.

The results have been mixed, but it's better than nothing. Anyway, just leave any questions you have in the section below, and I'll try to get an answer out of SCP Dear Dr.

Spanko, I apologize for the previous E-mail, I sent it while sleepwalking. I don't know any "Rexberts", but you should be careful about that message, it's probably a cognitohazard.

Spanko, I'm considering getting a pet to brighten up my quarters. Which would be the better option for a junior researcher, a European Swallow or a Norwegian Blue?

Spanko, What do you think would be the best way to kill contain a 5m humanoid that can spit acid? Spanko, Big fan, love the spidersteps.

Forgive me if this question has already been asked, but I just had to know… Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Spanko, My little brother has been bugging me all week. He keeps asking me the same question, and for the life of me I can't come up with an answer that satisfies him.

I'm hoping you can help me out. The question is this: do examples of personal achievement stemming from internal motivation conflict with or corroborate the concept of predetermined destiny?

Spanko, How do you eat gummy worms with a beak? It's just not working for me. Spanko, I'm trying to explain what "cack" means to a… friend… who really, really doesn't understand Basic Angler.

Can you help me out? Spanko, Have you ever read Finnegans Wake, and if so, what is your opinion? Spanko, I'm madly in love with the woman of my dreams, but she barely knows I exist!

How do I get her to notice me? It easy peasy! All need doing is the the happy lettuce dance 12! Primarily, butt heads with master big Don't hesitate to inflate and sing the happy death song 14 until mister big loses his Munster.

If that don't work, rub your face in jell-o 15 and wait business days before tryhard. Spanko, Why are you so loud? Can't you keep your voice down?

What ho, forsooth! Your jibber-jabber is un-sane, good sir. Am I much sub-vocal, thanksqueezeme 16! Yourself should un-check your hear-holes to the doc, mayhaps an error is on the counter, no?

I'd suggestinate me appointwise, but Mr. Lightbulb and Mister Boss Man un-think terrible terrible radishes Though hop skip and stop by, and I mayhap gander goose.

Spanko, I think I'm starting to come down with a cold. Do you have any advice? Spanko, Why don't we give you a megaphone and point you at any enemy with eardrums?

What's your price, Dr. Mine pedigree is for bling blang blongo, youthinks? A gamble to snatch pretty pennies in parlor tricks?

That myself am anti-doctor? Am pro-fisherman doctorate, and P-Headdy in Psycho-geolo-lingo-bingo 19! And like all doctor dudes, I was proscribed to inscribe the most troth of oaths; to first stew no arm 20 and all that.

Minesuch are vowed passive fist, it would break own boombox 21 to bring terminus to goodfellow folk. Spanko, Whathavelydos?

Mine suchlike sinpartner haveno friendly time antimony frost? Undercackings havelike until our tinglybits are raspred… -Linguistic Specialist N.

Arx Testing new translation software. Cack I say good sir! Such wordinations are un-appropriate for blinkbox talky-time! She-Mom and the Masters of the Universe 22 should extemporize the soap rope 23 for such foul platitudes 24!

This is a family show, idaho! Pull yourself out of the cookie jar and think about what you've done young man! Spanko, From what university did you receive your doctorate?

Mineself receive gratitudes from Universidad Los Samothrace 25 in year of the moldy cheese man 26 with mega super duper plus good awardies.

Cherry berry times, yes? Saddingly mineself not keep up with aluminum cans 27 , forthwith house-calls nonwithstanding. Spanko, How do you know so much about the Foundation?

This has to count as an information breach, doesn't it? Dada expounded! You scratch my back, I eat bugs off your tupperware! Spanko, Please elaborate on the socio-linguistic roots of your most peculiar language.

Researcher Hu Zhi. Basic Angler 29 is the monkey at the top of the swimming pole 30! But sadness, mineself scrabble on the clock 31!.

Spanko, I'm having trouble getting to sleep. Even when I avoid coffee and computers near bed, I still toss and turn. What can I do? Have you appleseeds?

Falseways, mayhaps check the camputor 32 for another you. If missing, you may be a dracula 33 , so get out of the kitchen and hollar for Dr. Spanko, I don't know who supplies the coffee machines for our Sites, but wherever I go, I'm drinking muddy water that tastes like Joan of Arc washed her face with it.

Now, I found ONE machine that actually gave me decent coffee. Trouble is, I can't find it anymore. Would you have any idea where that was?

Aeslinger, Psy. How the cack should my know-how? Shiny brown pygmy lemons 35 mine un-favorite they are; too much crunchy for bitter batter. I un-think how you pokey blokes can quench Pygmy Lemonade, take self an old-fashioned moose juice 36 anytime.

Spanko, I fear I find myself in a most unusual conundrum. I am, as you surely are, a man of science, yet I find myself surrounded by people who insist that I am, in fact, an aquatic mollusk.

I know full well that I am no such thing, but they insist on treating me as if I were in spite of my protestations to the contrary.

What means would you advise by which to resolve this state of affairs? I say, is you Blackwood-sama? Cack-cack cooray! Mine thoughtsumed had that you licked the big candle in the sky!

Bit of the old roundabout, wot wot? Nostalgia, methinks, of stomping through the jungles of tim buck-too! As time for the seashells on the sea shore, it crystal clear that the foundry is punto banco Just play a pong now cow, and maybe someday you'll see what I mean.

Due to the difficulty in translating SCP's speech, the accounts of their travels have yet to be confirmed.

Could you tell me a little about yourself for my database? Hollar-bark Spankoflext. Mucho bucho bo, —nevermindsuch whenst—having little or no birdseed in yon purse, wot particular to interest shorewise, happenchanced I sail about a little and see the bee the bird bumble drump.

It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation. Whenever grim growth guff golf; whenever dizzle anti-crimbo in my soulface; exclamaitionpoint coffin warehouses.

Rachel-Rachel, having wot found before then no orphans was now plus one! Spanko, Is there any way I could either acquire or create Minecraft 2?

Will it ever exist at all? Editor's note: the following was posted on March 25, , seemingly unprompted by any questions.

Ahoy-hoy, my boy! Herr Spankoflex is the gamey name frame, and I have an implicated pornouncement [sic] 39 amoung the bubble blubble toil and trouble.

The bitches tree, Convertable- underside these flying chimes, 'tis most indubitable to not yabba-dabba-don't Doctornate Campbell Distancing, pacing oneself footlike at least eight million broadside Then, thou must prepare for the arrival of The Great Gonzales 42 , and his mighty longship built of soybeans, crewed by a cadre of 44, singing rabbits!

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